Here and Gone

I don't think I could ever begin to explain why people come in and out of our lives the way that they do, but I think that if we knew the purpose for our acquaintances, then it their impact wouldn't be nearly as big.

I've met a lot of wonderful and not so wonderful people in the last ten months of my life, but they all have something in common. They have all taught me a lesson, or have aided me in becoming a better man of God.

First, there are those who tested my patience and caused me a great deal of annoyance and anger. These are people who, day in and day out, would give me thoughts of violence and the feeling that my head would explode because of their behavior. I was surrounded mostly by these individuals and this is where my journey toward being a better, more patient man began. I had to remind myself, time and time again to avoid a personal quarrel with them because we are instructed to do so by God. Even though I failed to avoid altercations quite miserably at times, my conscience would always come around and guide me to prevent it and in most cases apologize for the things I may have said. It's amazing how the negative people in our lives can have an affect on us that is so positive and groundbreaking. I credit these people for my patience during times of great stress.

Next are those whom have helped to guide me and have taken care of me both physically and spiritually. Finding a church on my own for the first time is something that I thought would be difficult, but God directed my path and on the first try, He led me to place where His spirit was very thick and easy to feel. I was so fortunate to have so many strangers take me in so immediately. This family that I was adopted into is the group of people that reinforced my patience and kept me accountable for my actions and feelings. It is with the moral support of these individuals that I was able to drive on and complete my task at hand. It would have been so easy to become stagnant in my faith and make no attempt to find a church, but I did, and for that God awarded me the privilege of knowing people who shared His love with me.

These people have come and gone from my life with the exception of a few contacts, and I plan to go back and visit these people someday. Regardless, I am writing this more specifically to thank God for the people he puts in my life, whether they frustrate me or show me compassion. I know that He will continue to bless my path and hopefully someday I will again see this family that was so kind to me. Without the love and support of my brothers and sisters in Christ, I would not be so successful as I have been and for that I am eternally grateful. I pray that our paths cross again someday.

Wheel

I talked to a friend tonight that I haven't talked to in a long time. We've exchanged greetings every now and again, but this was the first real conversation we've had in over half a year. When we parted ways six months ago, it was in turmoil and heartbreak, and I suffered from a pain that I had never experienced before. So, here I am, six months down the road and I still think about it all the time. On this day, she calls. It's incredible how six months doesn't necessarily heal anything, but instead makes us realize that living in pain isn't possible.

The entire time I'm here I believe that it just isn't possible that after all that had happened, there is no way she would want to talk to me, or even thinks of me anymore. After three hours of catching up and confiding in one another, I came to realize that I am not the only one that is suffering from these feelings. It was the best 195 minute trip down memory lane that I could have possibly had. To hear the words, "I miss you too", was nothing short of breathtaking. It was in this moment that I realized that suffering from a loss eats away our hearts and convinces us that hope will never come, but that's only when we suffer alone. Just knowing that someone else is searching for closure and answers makes a world of difference. After all of the past arguments, and regret, and pain, everything is finally coming full circle.

The girl that was just a girl, became my friend, that became my girlfriend, that I had planned on marrying; became my ex-girlfriend, that became my enemy, that became an acquaintance, that is now my friend. Just when I thought our journey was over, it seems that we find ourselves back at the start. That's the way this wheel keeps turning.

Everywhere is Home

I'm sitting in Atlanta waiting for my plane and I look around and see so many beautiful people. I've spent so much time behind the closed doors of the military training lifestyle that I begin to forget not only what it feels like to be a civilian, but also what a civilian looks like. I've spent several months trying to get used to the "hurry up and wait" lifestyle, that I don't even know what it's like to really relax.

I am headed home so that I can spend forty-eight hours with my family and just feel the presence of love the way that it was. The life of a soldier is not a bad one. It instills discipline, teaches punctuality, and even delivers a strong sense of accomplishment. As a soldier I can see the appreciation of passing individuals when I make eye contact, and that alone means a lot. When someone thanks me, it's breathtaking.

I remember when I began this adventure, I decided that I wanted to do something with my life that was of value. I wanted to make a difference in the world. I haven't actually done anything for America's citizens and I am still graced with the reward of appreciation from them. I remember when I used to see soldiers, I always felt compelled to thank them, because I appreciate what service men and women do. Now it's the shoe is on the other foot. I step outside of a controlled environment and I see all of these wonderful people who are going about their lives and can do it without worrying about going to war. I'm so happy that we can provide that for them.

I'm writing this because I want you to know that I thank you American public. In the same way that a soldier can uplift you, you uplift soldiers. I am motivated by being in your presence and it makes it easy for me to see why I wear this uniform. You give me comfort in being deployed, that my pain and suffering may be for your good, and that is something worth putting my life on the line for.

Part Time Love

Every week I walk out of church feeling as though this week everything is going to be different; that no matter how difficult and frustrating life gets, I will remain slow to anger and prevent my tongue from breaking spirits.
Every week I make it roughly four and half days before all of the frustration comes out in a flurry of sarcasm and hurtful wit. At the end of those first four days I look back and think that Jesus would be satisfied with my love toward those around me. Now, at the end of the fifth day I have to sit down and really consider all of the words that I chose to use to those who frustrate, harass, and annoy me. I then think about my Jesus and what he gave so that I could live.
I would never expect to think about something so beautiful and feel so loved at a time of self disappointment, but I do. In those moments that I think that God is displeased with my behavior I realize that I am forgiven. I need His grace because I could never do anything on any day that could make Him love me less.
Whether it's Sunday and I'm singing His praises, or it's Friday and I want to strangle those around me, the truth is that God loves us the same, and knows that our hearts long for Him. As long as we are convicted and keep ourselves and our Christian siblings accountable, God will see that we crave Him.

Running, Remembering, and Redemption

I've never really understood why those "Praise God!" moments happen when they do, but I had an interesting one this morning. I was running this morning at PT and anyone who runs distance knows that the best way to endure the pain of a run is to think about other things. So, as I always do, I thought about home, my mom, dad, and brother. I thought about what I would be doing right now if I wasn't in the Army. It is a great way to grasp your thoughts and let them go. Anyway, I was running, nothing big, just a couple of miles, and I was looking around the track at other things and I noticed an incredible orange moon hanging low on the horizon. In that moment I thought, "Thank you God." I also began to think about the scripture my mother had given me only the day before. Romans 5:1-5 has a lot of deep thoughts on suffering. This caused me to recollect my experience in being away from home for the last six months and how much it hurts not being with my family. In my suffering I have found the Lord in new ways that I never thought possible. It's amazing how pain can help us to find a love that cannot be found anywhere else. I feel so blessed today and I think back on how blessed my life has always been and it's at times like these when I realize that everything is going to be just fine.

A Blessed Conversation

I am constantly amazed by the way God shows us just how on fire we can be for him. Someone asked me today about my life story, and in telling them I was able to find fire for God that comes and goes so easily. I was blessed with the opportunity to talk to someone about the blessing that is my life. If you are reading this, then I would like to thank you for that opportunity. My heart is always filled with joy when I can talk about the most important people in my life. I love you all very dearly. Thank you for everything that you have given me.

The Gift of Articulation

I remember that there was a time when I loved people so much, regardless of how they felt about me. I had made it my personal, spiritual goal to treat others with the same dignity and respect that I would hope to receive. It is amazing that the older I get, the more I understand the importance of expressing love for our neighbors and family. It equally amazes me that it is so much more difficult now to love people without judging their character flaws, and even just being mean to them. Every time that I criticize someone blatantly and out loud, I am filled almost immediately with remorse.

As we get older we are so set in our was that we respond to particular subjects or people. We are not expressing our thoughts with a narrow mind necessarily, but in stead we habitually say the things that hurt people the most simply because we are annoyed, or our day isn't going as planned. A sharp tongue is a wicked tool that should not be taken lightly.

There are always two sides to every thought. After we lash out at people, we have a decision to make. Do we apologize for our actions? Or do we spend our time wondering why we didn't, leaving that relationship strained or broken. The same mouths that we use to hurt people, we can also use for healing. An apology is a powerful thing, but the ultimate goal is to never have to give one.

If we only search for the flaws in others, then that is all we will ever see. If we dig in and truly control our lack of understanding, then we can easily find just how beautiful people are.

A Fresh Start

It's been over a year since I last wrote in this blog. I remember when I started this online journal, I did it with the intention of writing in it every week for fifty-two weeks. We all see how that worked out. I'm writing in it again with a similar goal. This is going to be my way of expressing exactly what is happening with the thoughts in my head. This is a journal of complete honesty for anyone to read.

I was inspired to begin writing again because something happened a couple of weeks ago that changed my perspective of the power of journalism. You see, I met this girl who has become a valuable friend to me. This is how we met. I saw her one day on a break while I was at school and she looked as though her world was crashing down. Never in my life have I felt so compelled to talk to a complete stranger more than I did in that moment. So she was telling me about what was happening and how it seemed that no matter what she did, her situation would only be worse. I felt so completely broken hearted for her. So, as I went back to class I made the decision to writer her a letter.

I sat down in my chair and had a notebook and pen ready and I said a quick prayer. I asked God for the compassion and wisdom to lay down the words that she needs to see on paper. And so, I poured my heart and soul and God onto that Five-Star notebook. I finished the letter and then I came to the daunting realization that I had to give it to her. So, I decided to mail it to her anonymously, but there was only one issue, I didn't know her name. You know how you get really angry with someone, and you write one of those, "I love you, but you really have issues" letters, and shortly after writing it you just put it away and only think about sending it. I did that for two days, but I did something strange. I kept the letter in my pocket, as though it may come in handy.

Two days passed and I saw her again, even more broken hearted than in the previous forty-eight hours. So, I stopped her and found out that even more was going wrong in her life. So, I told her about the letter, and her response was completely unexpected to me. She wanted it. At that point it was as though the stars had aligned perfectly. I conveniently had my letter right there in my pocket. I gave it to her and thus a friendship was born.

Now, your probably thinking that all of this is too perfect to have actually happened. Whether you believe it or not, the point is that instead of writing letters of hate that we don't give to people because we love them, why don't we try writing letters of love to people that are hurting and broken. We have an opportunity to give the gift of sincere thoughts and put them on paper. You never know what kind of positive impact you could have on a lost soul.

That is why I'm writing in this blog again. I have a hope that someone stumbles across this blog by accident and something that is written her can have a profound effect on a life.